2008: I’m working to fix broken links (stuff no longer there) in my posts. If it doesn’t work in a reply, go to the original post.
2014: Fixing links
2019: Fixing links and images
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A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?” The clerk says,
“What denomination?” The woman says,
“God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
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Like every pilot, Santa is required to take a periodic proficiency test from the FAA. On the day of the test, Santa meets his examiner and is surprised to see him carrying a hunting rifle.
“What’s that for?” asked Santa.
“Well, I’m not supposed to tell you this,” replied the examiner, “but you are about to lose an engine on takeoff.”
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Snoopy vs the Red Baron by the Royal Guardsmen
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Old Fruity Pebbles Christmas Commerical
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
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In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
“See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.’”
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My Sister’s Christmas Rum Cake
Every year around this time, my sister makes an attempt to create what she says is her masterpiece of culinary delight (in fact, she usually makes two or three attempts) but alas, I have yet to sample even a tiny morsel of it.
Here is the recipe she uses:
1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder
1c. butter 1tsp. soda
1tsp. sugar lemon juice
2 large eggs brown sugar
1c. dried fruit nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn’t it?
Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality-- try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary.
Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn’t matter which).
Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice.
Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell.
Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees.
Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to bed.
Now you know why…
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There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife,“Look honey. Its raining.”
She, being the obstinate type, responded,“I don’t think so, dear. I think its snowing.”
But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife,“Let’s step outside and we’ll find out.” Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
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OK… I’ll be the first to <Grooooan>.
Now, want to hear my play on words?
I’ll type it as soon as I have time to type the long thing in!!! It’s about Friars who sell flowers. Do you know that one?
My uncle likes to work that one into conversations. He is pretty good with the set up. He puts himself in the story and discusses a diplomatic party he attended when he lived in Poland. The first time he told it it was almost believable until he approached the punch line
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The 12 Days AFTER Christmas
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight.
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burned it just for spite!
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love
My true love
My true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I put on me old rubber gloves
And very gently
Wrung the necks
Of both the turtledoves
My true love
My true love
My true love gave to me.
The third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use
The three French hens
To make her chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
And they turned my fingers green!
My true love
My true love
My true love gave to me.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn’t lay
I gave the whole
Darn gaggle to
The A.S.P.C.A.
My true love
My true love
My true love gave to me.
The seventh day what a mess I found!
All seven of the swimming swans had drowned!
My true love
My true love
My true love gave to me.
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up
The:
eight maids a-milking
nine pipers piping
ten ladies dancing
eleven lords a-leaping
twelve drummers drumming
[well, actually I kept one of the drummers]
And sent them back COLLECT!
I wrote my true love
“We are THROUGH, love!”
And I said in so many words
Furthermore your Christmas gifts are for the BIRDS!
[four calling birds,
three French hens,
two turtledoves
and a partridge in a pear tree…]
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