Misfit Joke thread


#1

Jokes only - no complaints - maybe a few groans - but that’s IT!


Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road
According to Dr. Seuss

Would you, could you cross the street
On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan
To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck
And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road
As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road
as though a toad
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night
Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night
With car headlight
Not across the road
As though a toad
Not with a cluck
To avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try
For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I'll give it a try
For it is true, chickens can't fly.
Hey! It's not bad, infact it's neat!
I truly love to cross the street.
Across the road I LOVE to scram.
I cross the road, a fowl I am.

#2

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up. (this is

one of my long time favorites)

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried

before.

Change is inevitable…except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers. –

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?” –

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. –

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. –

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.” –

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon’s appointments. –

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness. –

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the
road an hour. –

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. –

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What’s another word for Thesaurus? –

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?” –

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? –

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?” I said, “yes”. –

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll
give me the other one next year. –

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?”
I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.” –

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. –

I had amnesia once or twice. –

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. –

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list. –

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went “Aaaaahhhh…” –

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn’t go up the stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky
must get awfully crowded. –

I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is? I’m like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

The sky already fell. Now what? –

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn’t
see any forests. –

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street. –

If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re
Shakespeare? –

You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re
reading, reading…and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m
like that all the time. –

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment
somewhere. –

Smoking cures weight problems…eventually… –

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. –

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open. –

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open. –

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment?
I’m like that all the time. –

I went over to the neighbor’s and asked to borrow a cup of salt. “What are you
making?” “A salt lick.” –

There aren’t enough days in the weekend. –

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. –

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards. –

Droughts are because god didn’t pay his water bill. –

Is “tired old cliche” one? –

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn’t do windows. –

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives. –

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business. –

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back. –

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence. –

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. –

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. –

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done. –

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough. –

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum. –

I went to a garage sale. “How much for the garage?” “It’s not for sale.”

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. –

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. “You didn’t borrow this.” “I will.” –

I had my coathangers spayed. –

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa
Claus is missing. –

I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said,
“Don’t I know you?” –

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. –

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
can ride a unicycle. –

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out. –

I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it. –

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on
TV was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.” –

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said
to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
“We’re surrounded.” –

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn’t notice until I
got it set up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn’t happen. –

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It’s a fine night to have an evening. –

Even snakes are afraid of snakes. –

I can’t stop thinking like this. –

This isn’t all true. –

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. –

Tinsel is really snakes’ mirrors. –

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and
looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So.
What did you think?” –

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says
it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told
me. –

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

What are imitation rhinestones? –

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people? –

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.” –

It’s a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they’d just stay
right up there. Hunters would be all confused. –

I wrote a few children’s books…not on purpose. –

I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it it. Every once
in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have
written that.” –

“So, do you live around here often?” –

I got up one morning, couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said,
“They’re behind the couch.” And they were! –

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child…eventually. –

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody!

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes… –

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. –

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. –

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?”
I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.” –

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums. –

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings…
Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire. –

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance. –

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board. You’d think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it. –

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?” –

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5’s. The clerk said,
“ten-four.” –

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”. –

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He
said, “Yes, but not in a row.” –

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.” –

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s
free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator. –

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators. –

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping. –

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out. –

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it…

I couldn’t find the remote control to the remote control. –

I invented the cordless extension cord. –

I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said, “Stephen, why haven’t
you called me?” I said, “I can’t call everyone I want. My new phone has no
five on it.” He said, “How long have you had it?” I said, “I don’t know…
my calendar has no sevens on it.” –

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They
went “Aaaaahhhh…” –

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said,
“Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…
he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.” –

I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store – “Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday.” –

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment
somewhere. –

I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are
furious! –

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store…with a pricing gun. She said, “Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.” –

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.” –

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m
gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.” –

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never
have to go upstairs. –

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. –

All the plants in my house are dead—I shot them last night. I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes. –

I have a microwave fireplace in my house…The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes. –

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity…If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick. –

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had
to buy them again. –

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw
it at them. –

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “right
here, officer”. Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, “Get out of my driveway!” –

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. –

For a while I didn’t have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running…[slow glance upward]

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I’m gone. –

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m
the only one moving. –

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica
sounds amazing. –

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn’t have to go so fast. –

I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway…he can’t get out. –

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the
place. –

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a
message and I’ll call when I’m out.” –

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving…every half
mile…We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip…I don’t
remember what it was. –

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be
really tired. –

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said,
“See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it.” –

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be
out that long…” –

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you
see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)…and says, “Here, you can go.” –

The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?” –

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire area
was missing. –

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to
go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.” –

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s
going to be up all night. –

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I
said, “No, I made a few mistakes.” –

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. –

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world. –

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. –

I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said,
“They’re behind the couch.” And they were! –

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know,
but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.” –

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, “Hey, these records are all blank.” –

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. –

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. –

I bought a dog the other day…I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him…
“Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. –

I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. –

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. –

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now. –

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don’t trust anybody! –

They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning…[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]…I like to live on the edge… –

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section…but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window. –

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. –

I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go
by. –


#3

One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story…

The next day Billy tells his story…

“My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story…Billy replies, "Yeah… don’t mess with my dad when he’s been drinking


#4

Once upon a time, their lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate’s house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began crossing the road so he could look at it. At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate and went on his merry way.Moral of the Story: The moral of the story is: Better Nate than Lever


#5

Confucius Say…

* Man who run in front of car get tired.

* Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

* Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

* War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

* Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

* Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

* It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

* Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

* Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

* Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

* Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!

* Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

* Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

* He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

* Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

* Man who sit on tack get point!

* Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!

Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.

Man standing on toilet is high on pot.

Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk

Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete’s tongue!

Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!

Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.

“Man with glass house must dress in basement!”

Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don’t have film!

Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing

Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!

Hole happy, whole body happy.

He who stands on toilet, is high on pot.

He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Work to become, not to acquire.

A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.

Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!

Don’t drink and park, accidents cause people.

War does not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.

Those who quote me are fools.

Confucius say too damn much.


#6

Why did the pigs cross the road with their laundry?
They wanted to do their hogwash.

Did you hear about the two kangaroos who crossed the road?
They jumped into each other’s pouches and were never seen again.

Why did the one-handed gorilla cross the road?
To get to the secondhand shop.

Why did the frogs cross the road?
To get a croak-a-cola.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
To get to the hopping mall.

Why did the wasp cross the road?
It needed to go to the waspital.

How do you keep a dog from crossing the road?
You put him in a barking lot.

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?
Dead.

Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop?
She wanted to lay it on the line.

Why did the sheep cross the road?
He needed to go to the baa baa shop.

Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.

Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
They go across the road to the retail shop.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.

Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn’t want to be a dirty double-crosser.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

Why did the chicken cross the road by the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Why did the goose cross the road?
Because the light was green.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.

Why did the sick rabbits cross the road?
They needed to the hopital.

What was the farmer dong on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens who crossed the road.

Why do skunks argue when crossing the road?
Cause they like to raise a stink.

Did you hear the story about the peacock who crossed the road?
It is really a colorful tail…

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.

Why did the rooster cross the street?
To get to the other side.

Why did the hen cross the street?
To see a man lay bricks.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get its fodder.


#7

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Why aren’t you married yet?
Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?

Man: Why aren’t you married yet?
Woman:Why aren’t you thin?

Man: Why aren’t you married yet?
Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.


#8
  • How about never? Is never good for you?

    • You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.

    • I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

    • I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

    • Ahhh… I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again

    • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

    • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

    • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

    • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

    • I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

    • I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

    • It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

    • I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of it.

    • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

    • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

    • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

    • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

    • His teeth are brighter than he is.

    • No, my powers can only be used for good.

    • We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

    • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

    • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

    • Who me? I just wander from room to room.

    • I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

    • It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Here’s a come back when someone calls you shorty.

I might be short but you’re ugly and I still have time to grow!

Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Attorney: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

Officer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

D.A.: Officer, who provided this description?

Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.

D.A.: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

Officer: Yes sir, with my life.

D.A.: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

Officer: Yes sir, we do.

D.A.: And do you have a locker in that room?

Officer: Yes sir, I do.

D.A.: And do you have a lock on your locker?

Officer: Yes sir.

D.A.: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

Officer: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Now THAT’s what I call a comeback !!

The Pumpkin Patch

Washington Post article… the title of the article was “Best Comeback Line Ever.”

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.”

“I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor.

“I walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.”

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?’

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:

“A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?”


#9

No Such Thing As A Free Ride

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer, who had never been on an airplane, was fascinated by a stunt plane and asked the pilot how much a ride would cost.

“$20 for 3 minutes.” the pilot replied.

“That’s too much.” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make any sound at all, you’ll have to pay me the $20.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a thrilling ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.” “Maybe so,” said the farmer, “but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”
The Farmer and the Old Mule

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Chicken Or The Seed

A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn’t say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.

When he returns for the fourth time, the owner’s curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The farmer says, “Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I think I’m either planting them too deep or too close together.”

Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he has done to the local agricultural school, asking for advice. Three weeks later, the reply comes back, saying simply, “Please send soil sample.”

Who Did It ??
A lawyer charging a high fee, a lawyer charging a low fee and Santa Claus were seated around a table in the center of which was $10,000. The lights went off. When the lights came back on the $10,000 was missing. Who took it ?
Answer: The lawyer charging the high fee took it because the other two are a figment of your imagination.
God Grants Wishes
The night before a couple were about to be married, they both were killed in a car accident. They arrived in Heaven and asked St. Peter if they could still get married.

The couple were called in to actually see God. God spoke, ‘I will grant you your wish. But not right now. It may be a few days or a few years, but I will allow you to be married.’

Five years came and went and the couple were finally call upon to get married. After one day of wedding ‘bliss’, they went back to God to see if they could get a divorce. They were sure the marriage would not last.

God spoke, ‘It took me five years to finally get a priest in Heaven. Do you have any idea how much longer it will be until we get a lawyer?!’

Don’t Know!
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver Vickie, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” Vickie responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

The Doctor and the Lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A Lawyer Goes to Heaven…Yea Right.
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. Once he reaches the pearly gates, St. Peter approaches him and says, “Oh, its you. Follow me.”

At that a white limousine pulled up. The lawyer stepped in and they sped off. On the way the lawyer stared out the window. First he saw someone that looked familiar. He said, “Hey, isn’t that St. Jerome?”

St. Peter replied, “Yes, that is.”

The lawyer was puzzled by the living conditions. He was living in a pup tent and traveling around on a bike. They pulled up to a white mansion with a staff of twenty and anything to entertain himself that he wanted.

St. Peter said to him, “Are there any questions you have for me before you are left to your eternity?”

“Yes!” said the lawyer. “Why do the saints live in such terrible conditions and mine are so great?”

Saint Peter replied, “We have had hundreds of saints but you’re our first lawyer”
The Train Engineer
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”

“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.

“I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!”

The Dying Man, His Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America.

He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman’s sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.

Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.


#10

New Dog Cross Breeds
– Did you hear about the new dog cross-breeds?

* They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso.  The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

* They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow.  The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

* They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

* They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund.  The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

  They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso.  The new breed is Peekasso, an  abstract dog.

* They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel.  The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.

* They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever.  The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.

* They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound.  The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

* They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador.  The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

* They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer.  The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

* They crossed a Collie and a Malamute.  The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.

* They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier.  The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

* They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu.  The new breed is a uhh, I'll get back to you on that.....

Doggie Farts

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he’d been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

“SPOT!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, lying at the young man’s feet.

Relieved at the dog’s having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. “Spot!” she called out sharply. “I’ve got it made,” thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he shits on you!” Genius Dog

A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

“Clever, my ass,” the guy responds, “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

A Dog Wants an Office Job

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual”.

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow.”

FBI Canine

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. “Well,” says the personnel director, “you’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.” Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. “Also,” says the director, “you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.” This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. “There’s one last requirement,” the director continues; “you must be bilingual.” With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, “Meow!”

A Sick Dog

A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won’t eat, doesn’t bark, heck it doesn’t even move at all.

So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.

The Vet then turns to the couple and says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead… That’ll be $225.00.”

“$225.00?,” screamed the outraged man. “You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?”

The Vet replied, “It’s only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan.”

Seeing Eye Dogs

A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua decide to go to a restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher replies, “Just follow my lead.”

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

“Sorry, Sir. No pets allowed,” announces the door man.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The door man inquires, “A Doberman Pinscher?”

He responds, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”

The door man says, “Come on in.”

The guy with the Chihuahua thinks, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

“Sorry, pal, no pets allowed,” announces the door man.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The door man inquires, “A Chihuahua?”

The guy with the Chihuahua replies, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

Amazing Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?” “I sure did,” responded his friend. "He can’t swim. Does Your Dog Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

* You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dogs).

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

* You let the neighbor dog sleep over.

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over. 

The Happiest Dog Ever

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Rollo while you’re waiting?” He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through – and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul’s date walked out.

“Isn’t Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”

"To tell the truth, " he replied, “Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!”

Religious Dog

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about ‘normal’ tricks.

“Well,” they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Blind Man’s Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passerby who’d seen everything remarked, “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”

“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts.”

Attack Dog

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

“He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer.

“Well, he’s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have a different one in mind for you.”

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

“Ah,” said the buyer. “This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.”

“Well, no.” said the owner. “I have something better in mind for you.”

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men’s approach.

“This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. “You’re joking!” he exclaimed. “This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn’t even act like an attack dog.”

“I know he appears tame now,” said the owner. “But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.”

A Man and His Dog

A man was watering is lawn one day when he looked and coming up the street was two hearse’s followed by a man, his dog and a single file line of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on.
The guy said “That’s my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died”.
The guy watering the lawn said, “Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?”.
The other guy said “Well that’s my mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died.”
The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, “Can I borrow your dog?”.
The guy with the dog responds, “Back of the line!”.

Beware of the Dog

Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The amused stranger inquired, “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

The owner responded, “Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

A dog saw somebody putting money into a parking meter and reported to the other dogs, “They’re putting in pay toilets!”


#11

Office Vocabulary

* Blamestorming:

  Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed, or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* Seagull manager:

  A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything, then leaves.

* Salmon day:

  The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

* Chainsaw Consultant:

  An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

* CLM:

  "Career Limiting Move". Used amongst microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss whilst he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB: Career Limiting Behavior.)

* Adminisphere:

  The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

* Flight risk:

  Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

* 404:

  Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404: Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . he's 404, man."

* Ohnosecond:

  That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

* Percussive maintenance:

  The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* Prairie dogging:

  When someone yells or drops something loudly in a" cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

* Assmosis:

  The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. 

The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks.”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And that is how sh*t happens.

Signs Your Company is Planning a Layoff

* CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe."

* Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."

* Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It is Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."

* Company softball team downsized to chess team.

* Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.

* Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."

* Company president now driving a Hyundai.

* Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat Booth.

* Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.

* Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.

* Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Outlet.

* Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string

Interview with a Signalman
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: “What would you do if you realized that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?” Andy says, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector. “Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Andy, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” “Then,” Andy continues, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was engaged?” “Well in that case,” persevered Andy, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

“What if that was vandalized?” “Oh well then I’d run into the village and get my uncle Silas.”

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?” Came the answer, “Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

Quotes and Comments from and about Bosses

* "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

* A motivational sign at work:
  The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

* A direct quote from the Boss: 
  "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

* My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

* My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."

* My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

* He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

* Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

* Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:
  " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

* HR Manager to job candidate:
  "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

* Quote from telephone inquiry:
  "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

#12

[:)] I see you.


#13

//grabs tequila

Remember the three stages of tequila:

  1. I’m good looking
  2. I’m bulletproof
  3. I’m invisible

//Hic!

Now yah donn

//thud


#14

-Bertrand Russell

-Frank Zappa

-Thomas Jefferson


#15

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”


#16

The Funniest Joke in the World

About the Sketch:

        Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 1, it also featured in the Movie - And Now For Something Completely Different'.

The cast:

  VOICE OVER
      Eric Idle 
  COMMENTATOR
      Terry Jones 
  INSPECTOR
      Graham Chapman 
  COLONEL
      Graham Chapman 
  CORPORAL
      Terry Jones 
  NAZI
      John Cleese 
  OFFICER
      Michael Palin 
  OTTO
      Graham Chapman 
  GERMAN JOKER
      Eric Idle 
  GERMAN GUARD
      Terry Gillam 
  GERMAN GENERAL
      Terry Jones 

The sketch:

  (Opening Scene: A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (Michael Palin) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.)

  Voice Over : This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he win have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.

  (Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.)

  Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ...

  (Ernest's mother (Eric Idle in drag) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices thepiece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and fa11s down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.)

  Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

  Inspector: I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

  (About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.)

  Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... (Inspector points to a grouo of dour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke. He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

  Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.

  (The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.)

  Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke washurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.

  (Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.)

  (Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.)

  Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

  (Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to corporal's face- registening complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidily. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals are very impressed.)

  Generals: Fantastic.

  Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

  Colonel: All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital· But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

  (Cut to a trench in the Ardennes· Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)

  Voice Over: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes...

  Commanding NCO: Tell the ... joke.

  Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  (Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.)

  Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ...Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper ... and one which Hider just couldn't match.

  Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.

              SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
              A young soldier responds:
              SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
              Hitler speaks:
              SUBTITLE: AWFUL'

  Voice Over: In action it was deadly.

  (Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.)

  Corporal: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  (Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)

  Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

  (They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to ground.)

  Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.

  (Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.
  Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke bngade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands behind him.)

  Nazi: Vott is the big joke?

  Officer: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?

  Nazi: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.

  Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

  Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?

  Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

  Nazi: Gott in Hiramell That's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effect) Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

  Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.

  Nazi: Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

  (Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing,)

  Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.

  (They stop tickling him)

  Nazi: Quick Otto. The typewriter.

  (Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.)

  Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

  (Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)

  Nazi: Ach! Zat iss not funny!

  (Nazi burts into laughter and dies. A German guard bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.)

  Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

  (The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his escape. Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.)

  Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.

  (A German general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.)

  German Joker: Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

  He finishes and looks hopeful.

  Otto: We let you know.

  (He shoots him.
  Film of German scientists.)

  Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.

  (Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.)

  Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

  (Radio bunts into 'Deutschland Über Alles'. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a woodland glade.)

  Commentator (Eric Idle): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

  (He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.)

#17

Puns

Top selling cookbook in Korea…
101 Ways to Wok Your Dog.

We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others
believed it was flat and that if you travelled far enough you would go
over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as
America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to
Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most
believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents
written by Queen Isabella’s official scribe were uncovered revealing
what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. His
first words were, “I’ll bet I’m the first man who ever got nineteen
hundred miles on a galleon.”

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been
friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles
whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What did they do that for?”
The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never
heard of…an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”

One day at the watering hole, an elephant looked around and carefully
surveyed the turtles in view.
After a few seconds thought, he walked over to one turtle, raised his
foot, and KICKED the turtle as far as he could. (Nearly a mile)
A watching hyena asked the elephant why he did it?
“Well, about 30 years ago I was walking through a stream and a turtle
bit my foot. Finally I found the S.O.B and repaid him for what he had
done to me.”
“30 years!!! And you remembered…But HOW???”
“I have turtle recall.”

A young man was in love with a lovely young lady but unfortunately
she did not feel the same way about him. In desperation he went and
visited a group of witches searching for a love potion.
They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It
was highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her
permission.
They did have an alternate solution however. They sold him a
bottle of small white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard
every night at midnight for a month.
He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful.
He and the young lady were to wed in a month.
The witch told him, …“Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from
a coven, and pills buried say it best.”

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used
to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were
quite upset when one day the little dog died.
Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little
dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up
behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog’s wagging
tail.
The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through
the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who
questioned the little dog as to where he was going.
The little dog said, “I have been a good dog - so I am going
into heaven where I belong!”.
Saint Peter replied, “Heaven is a place of perfection, you
can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?”
The little dog explained what had happened back on earth.
St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and
retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now
the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not
change his mind.
So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on
the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs
came down and opened the door.
“My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can
I do for you?”, asked the bartender.
The little dog explained that he wasn’t allowed into heaven
without his tail, and he needed it back.
The bartender replied, “I would really like to help you, but
my liquor license doesn’t allow me to retail spirits after hours!”

A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South
Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their
colleagues back at the university where they taught.
“What was the most exciting discovery you found there?”, asked a
fellow professor.
One of them replied, “The people native to this one island had
discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the
leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which
quickly cured the ailment.”
Another professor asked, “A palm leaf suppository? Did it really
work?”
Replied the botanist, “With fronds like these…who needs enemas.”

News Flash!
There were two ships crossing the pacific. One carrying blue paint
from Singapore to Los Angeles, and the other carrying red dyes from
America to Taiwan. Somewhere in the middle of the ocean, the two ships
met abruptly. The ships were lost to the sea and the crews of both
are believed to be marooned.

The proprietor of a big aquarium was terribly upset and called over
her assistant.
“We have a bunch of school children coming over tomorrow, and I just
looked in and those horny dolphins are continuously mating. We can’t
let the kids see that.”
“What can we do about it?” the assistant asked.
“The only thing that will make them stop is to feed them baby
seagulls,” She replied. “You’ll have to go get them, but it won’t be
easy. There’s a bunch of them at the city zoo. You’ll have to break in
tonight, grab the little birds and bring them back here. But be careful.
There’s a stony faced old lion who guards the birdhouse at the zoo and
he’d eat you if you make too much noise.”
That night, the aquarium assistant sneaks into the zoo, quietly enters
the bird house, and makes off with a sack full of baby seagulls. He’s
outside the zoo and about to head back to the office with his booty when
suddenly there are cops everywhere. Surprised at being caught, he asks an
officer what he’s charged with.
“Don’t you know?” said the cop, “Transporting young gulls across a
staid lion for immoral porpoises!”

A marine biologist at the University or New Brunswick was working on
a system that would allow humans to talk to fish, and fish to talk with
humans. One day, after many years of working in the lab, the system is
ready for field testing. The scientist takes his gear down to a local
salmon stream and sets it up. Lo and behold, the system worked! Our
hero began talking with the salmon in the stream and the salmon began
talking with the scientist. The scientist noticed one particular salmon
that looked a little different from the rest. This salmon was a deeper
reddish brown than the others, so he nick-named him Rusty.
The scientist then struck up quite a friendship with Rusty. Rusty
told the scientist what it was like to be a fish, and the scientist
told Rusty what it was like to be a human being.
One day, after two seasons by the stream, Rusty said, “It’s time for
me to leave for the ocean.”
The marine biologist responded, “NO Rusty! You can’t! Do you know how
dangerous the trip will be? Do you know that the return rate for your
species is about 2%? Do you know that there are many dangers you will
have to face on the journey – Fishermen, sharks and pollution to
name a few.”
“Look” said Rusty, “A salmon’s gotta do what a salmon’s gotta do.”
So off he went. Two years later, the scientist is still working by
the same stream, when he hears a familiar voice from the past. Rusty
had returned! The two of them quickly became reaquainted.
“You know, you were right about all the dangers” said Rusty.
“I lost track of the number of times that I was almost caught in some
fisherman’s net. I lost track of the number of times that I was almost
eaten by sharks. But let me tell you,” Rusty continued, “about the
amazing sights I witnessed.”
“Tell me what you saw!” said the scientist excitedly.
“The ship wrecks were incredible!” The scientist explained to Rusty
about the large number of ships that were sunk in the North Atlantic.
“Well one ship I saw, the Titanic, was really fantastic! It was just
gorgeous! We swam all through it, up the grand staircases, down into
the dining salons! It was so moving that I decided to write some poetry
about it.”
“It must be really beautiful stuff” said the scientist.
“I know it is. Maybe you could help me get it published?”, said Rusty.
“Sure” said the scientist, “Do you have a title for your poems?”
“Yes – Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses!”

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise
and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses.
Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts:
Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993.
Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994.
Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971.
The advice to the investor then, is, “Don’t sell until you see the
heights of their thighs!”

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

There once was a family of four skunks. A Mother skunk, a Father
skunk and two identical twin baby skunks named Inskunk and Outskunk.
Their parents named them as such because the only way they could tell
one from the other was to keep Inskunk inside all the time and Outskunk
outside continually except at meal time. When being fed, Inskunk would
be inside to eat and when done Inskunk would go out and Outskunk would
come in to eat. After eating Outskunk would go back outside and Inskunk
would come back in. They followed this ritual daily to avoid confusion.
One day Mother skunk had to go in to town and left Father skunk to
look after Inskunk and Outskunk. As she was leaving she reminded Father
skunk not to mix up the two as the last time it took a week to sort out
which was which.
Father skunk just replied, “Don’t worry dear. I can tell them apart.”
So off she went. When lunch time arrived Father skunk let Outskunk in
to eat without letting Inskunk outside. Mother skunk just happened to
come home at that time and was shocked!
“I can’t believe you mixed them up again!”, she screamed.
Father skunk replied, “They’re not mixed up, This is Inskunk and over
there is Outskunk!.”
Mother Skunk inquired, “How can you be so sure that that is Inskunk
and that one is Outskunk?”
“Simple!”, said Father Skunk, “Instincts!”

Israeli police are looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting
in the port city of Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of a an
ex-nun from Barcelona and a German father. He was a former flutist and
worked occasionally as a farmer.
In short, he was “A Haifa-lootin’, flutin’ Teuton, son-of-a-nun from
Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.”

A man goes into his dentist’s office with a terrible pain in his jaw.
Soon enough, he’s in the chair and the doctor starts probing with his
metal pick.
“Does this hurt?” he asks, as his patient’s knuckles whitened.
Finally the dentist stood back and asked:
“Do you eat lots of candy?”
“No.”
“Do you drink lots of soda pop?”
“Very seldom.”
“Have you been brushing every day?”
“Yes doctor, three times a day.”
“Well, I can’t think of anything that’s causing all the cavities
you
have. Can you think of anything?”
“Well, I do like hollandaise sauce an awful lot.”
“Hollandaise sauce?”
“Yes, I love the stuff. I have it on everything. On toast, eggs,
cereal, ice-cream, pancakes, and so on. I just can’t get enough
of it!”
“Well, I’ll tell you what, let me put in a plate and see if
it helps.”
The dentist put a plate into his patients mouth, and sent him on
his way, with instructions to come back in six months for a check-up.
The months passed quickly enough, and soon the man was back into the
chair.
“Doc, I can’t believe it! Since you put that plate in, I’ve had
no problems with my teeth at all! What was it made of anyway?”
“It was a chrome plate.”
“Chrome? Why a chrome plate?”
“Well you know,” said the dentist.
“There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

I entered a local Pun Contest. I sent in ten different puns in the
hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

It had to happen, someday. The municipal philharmonic symphony and
chorus were rehearsing Symphony No. 9 by Ludwig Von Beethoven. Since
the chorus doesn’t enter until the final movement, the singers were
becoming very bored - especially the men in the back row. Then the
basses had a clever idea. During break, they tied a nylon fishline
around the conductor’s score, 4 pages prior to the beginning of the
last movement. They ran the line up through a roof vent, across the
street and down into Joe’s tavern. This allowed them to relax at the
bar chugging brews, and when the line jerked, they could run across
the street and take their places in the chorus at the precise time.
Their plan worked flawlessly, especially when the conductor paused
before continuing, to have the trombones, who were playing somewhat
flat, tune their instruments. So all singers were in readiness as
the conductor raised his baton.
Well…almost all… except for two men who had earlier passed
out at the bar.
And so this became the first case in musical history where it was
the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied,
there were two out, the leadoff man was up and the inside pitch
was low.

A man has been feeling really bad for about 3 weeks and goes to see
his doctor.
The doctor tells him, “I don’t know what you’ve got but it could be
serious so I’m sending you to the Rare Disease Specialist.”
The man went to the specialist who told the man, “You have this rare
illness that occurs only once every ten years or so. The only cure is
made in Australia in a little town called Mercey, about 400 miles from
Sydney. Otherwise you have only one week to live.”
The man took the first flight he could to Sydney, rented a car and
drove to Mercey, Australia. When he got there he found it was a town
with a population of one. The man walked up to the one house in the
village and an old doctor answered.
“You have to help me!” said the man, “I’m dying of this rare illness
and I have only 4 days to live”
The old man invited him in and said, “I must give you my special
Koala Bear Tea. It is the only thing that will cure you.”
The old man went out to get the supplies. One koala, a few birds,
platapus placentas and such. The doctor boiled them together and gave
them to the man with bones and feathers and dirt swirling throughout.
The young man looked at it disgustingly and asked if it could be
strained.
The old doctor looked horrified and said, “Oh No. The Koala Tea
of Mercey is never strained”

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at
about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor
to stop. Upon hearing the sailor’s lame explanation for his tardiness,
the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link
on this anchor chain by morning or it’s the brig for you!
The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his
charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The
sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn’t. The lad picked the
tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only
to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went
through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He
couldn’t get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain
once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so
did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor.
“What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no
cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself,
sailor?” barked the chief.
“Honest, chief,” came the reply, “I tossed a tern all night and
couldn’t sweep a link!”

At one time, economic conditions caused the closing of several small
clothing mills in the English countryside. A man from West Germany bought
the buildings and converted them into dog kennels for the convenience of
German tourists who liked to have their pets with them while vacationing
in England. One summer evening, a local resident called to his wife to
come out of the house.
“Just listen!”, he urged. “The Mills Are Alive With the Hounds
of Munich!”

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt, and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family
in Spain; who name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, “But they are twins–if you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Amal.”

Sitting Bull had 3 wives who were always quarreling about who should
be number one. One was pretty, one was clever and one was very strong.
Finally, tired of their squabbles he told his medicine man to resolve
the issue.
The medicine man took the wives to his teepee where he had gathered
pelts and hides from all over the world. He told each wife to choose
a hide and sit on it in front of the sacred campfire. The clever wife
chose a pelt of thick white fur, the strong wife chose a hide of orange
and black stripes and the pretty wife chose a hide of rubbery grey
leather. The medicine man then pointed to the pretty wife and said,
“Behold chief, your number one wife.”
The chief was pleased, but the other two wives demanded an
explanation.
The medicine man said, “Even the ancient ones knew that the squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other
two hides.”


#18

…The Canonical List Of Punny Book Titles

“Zaftig Ladies” By C Irving Hipps"
“Yours Forever” By Tillie N. Deteim
“You’re Welcome” By N. Q. Verymuch
“You’re So Sweet” By Mable Syrup
“You’re Kidding!” By Shirley U. Jest
“You’re Being Audited!” By O. Y. Mee
“You’re A Bundle Of Laughs” By Vera Funny
“Your Guess Is As Good As Mine” By S. T. Mate
“You Wash, I’ll Dry” By Terry Cloth
“You Too Can Gain Weight” by Marietta Pi
“You Tell Me The Answer!” By S. Q. Question
“You Drip!” By Lee K. Fawcette
“You Always Get Caught” By Sue Nora Later
“Yoko’s Robe” By Kim Ono
“Yellow River” By I. P. Daily
Annotated By I. P. Standing
“XYZ” By C. My Willie
“X-Rated Bubble Baths” By Robin D. Cradles
“Wouldn’t You Know It” By Murphy Slaw
“Woulda Been A Great Shortstop” By Kent Hitt
“Worms” By Earl E Byrd
“Working In A Nursing Home” By K. R. Giver
“Wonderful Sex Life” By Mona Lott
“Without Warning” By Oliver Sudden
“Within The Law” By Lee Gull
“Wish I’d Never Been Born” By Rudy Daye
“Winning The Race” By Vic Tree
“Winning At Golf” By T.Off
“Wind Instruments” By Tom Bone
“Wind In The Maple Trees” By Russell Ingleaves
“Will You Marry Me?” By S. I. Will
“Will He Or Won’t He?” By Mae B. Sew
“Why Women Wear Bras” By Drew P. Tits
“Why Women Exercise” By Hy Bunz
“Why There Are No Jokes On Humor” By I. M. Just & Jo King
“Why Software Is Buggy” By Q. A. Tester
“Why Our Dumps Are Filling Up” By X. S. Waste
“Why Must I Teach This Class?” By T. A. Blues
“Why Do People Avoid Me?” By B. O. Problem
“Why Cars Stop” By M.T. Tank
“Whose Face Can Launch 1000 Ships?” By L. N. Otroy
“Who Killed Cock Robin?” By Howard I. Know
“Who Killed Cock Robin?” By B. B. Gunn
“Who Cares?” By A. Y. Nott
“Who Ate All The Cookies?” By L. F. Eyeno
“White House Memories” By Ronald Reagan
“Whip Me Into Shape” By S. M. Kinky
“Where’s My Hat?” By Sonia Head
“Where To Put Your Money” By Bill Fold
“Where To Get A Road Hog” By R. V. Dealer
“Where to Find Islands” By Archie Pelago
“Where There Are Hangings Every Day” By R. T. Museum
“Where The World Is Going” By Helena Handbasket
“Where She Sells Sea Shells” By S. C. Shore
“When’s The Revolution?” By Millie Tant
“When Your Child Reaches 5” By Susan Miller
“When Baseball Heros Strike Out” By K. C. Atbatt
“What’s Your Invention?” By Pat Tent
“What’s Up Doc?” By Howie Dewin
“What’s Green, Yet Does Not Grow?” By U. S. Dollar
“What’s For Dinner?” By Chuck Roast
“What’s For Breakfast?” By Hammond Eggs
“Whatchamacallit!” By Thingum Bob
“What To Do With Your Invention” By Pat Tent
“What To Do If You’re In A Car Accident” By Rhea Ender
“What The Butler Saw” By Ava Nutherluk
“What Music Used To Be On” By L. P. Record
“What Makes Army People Sick” By P. X. Food
“What Makes Airplanes Go” By Jeff Fuel
“What I Took” By Irv Erginity
“What I Really Want” By Trudie Zire"
“What I Dance To” By D. J. Music
“West Coast Universities” By Stan Ford
“We’re All Flakes” By Dan Druff
“Well, I Never!” By I. D. Claire
“Weepy Movie” By Maud Lynn Story
“Weekend In Hong Kong” By Rick Shaw
“Webster’s Words” By Dick Shunnary
“We Won 20-1!” By Barry Um
“We Take Credit Cards, But…” By Cassius Better
“We Solve Mysteries” By P. I. Detective
“We All Need This!” By S. N. Shall
“Waterways Of The World” By Sue S. Canal
“Waste Water” By Sue Ridgepipe
“War Injuries I Have Seen” By V. A. Hospital
“Wake Up!” By Sal Ammoniac
"Vowel Promissory Notes " By A. E. I. O’You
“Volunteer’s Guidebook” By Linda Hand
“Virgin Marriage” By Chastity Belt
“Violate Me And Your Program Will Crash!” By R. A. Bounds
“Very Precise” By Matt Iculous
“Vegetarian Cooking” By Jeffrey Dahlmer
“Vegetable Arrangements” By Arty Choke
“Vegas” by Candyce Rolle
“Vacationing In Europe” By A. Broad
“Vacation In France” By Hugo Down
“V.D.” By Dick Hertz
“Urban Areas” By Bill Tupp
“Upstream” By Sam N. Fishing
“Unwanted Babies” By Anna Bortion
“Unsolved Mysteries” By N. Igma
“Unsolved Murders” By Mr. E
“Unproductive Employees” By Colin Sikh
“Unknown Rodent” By A. Nonny Mouse
“Uninteresting Road Signs” By Bill Bored
“Unemployed” By Anita Job.
“Under The Bleacher Seats” By Seymore Butts
“Ultimate In Hypocrisy” By Im Won Too
“Tyrant of the Potatoes” By Dick Tater
“Two Yankees In Mexico” By Peregrine Gose
“Two Thousand Pounds!” By Juan Ton
“Twelfth Month” By Dee Sember
“Turtle Racing” By Eubie Quick
“Turn Your Head And Cough” By Olden Mcgroin
“Turkish Minerals” By Asa Miner
“Tug Of War” By Paul Hard
“Try, Try Again” By Getty Trite
“Try And Try Again” By Percy Vere
“Trucker’s Worst Nightmare” By Bridge Tulow
“Tropical Paradise” By Kumon Iwannaghuqya
“Triumphal Procession” By Victor E. March
“Trim Those Sideburns Too?” By Buzz Cutt
“Trial Law” By Tess Temoni
“Treasure In The Outhouse” By I. P. Nickels
“Traveling Insects” By Bugs Oliver Windshield
“Traveling In Mexico” by Burr E. Tow
“Training For The Olympics” By B. D. Best
“Trails In The Sand” By Peter Dragon
“Trail Guide To Yellowstone Park” By Y. O. Ming
“Toupee Embarrassment” By Harrison Backwards
“Toodleeoo, Dear” By C. U. Soon
“Too Rough” By Soren Redd
“Too Drunk To Walk” By Carrie Mee-Ohm
“Too Bad For You!” By T. S. Sucker
“Tolstoi” By Warren Peace
“To Be Honest” By Frank Lee
“Tipping The Outhouse” By John Turner
“Tinseltown Tales” By Holly Wood
“Times Of Wealth” By Richard Ayes
“Time To Eat!” By Dean R. Bell
“Tight Situation” By Leah Tard
“Tiger’s Revenge” By Claud Body
“Those Funny Dogs” By Joe Kur
“Thirst In The Desert” By Mustafa Drink
“Things To Do At Parties” By Bob Frapples
“Things to Cook Meat In” By Stu Potts
“They’re Not Cows” By M. R. Horses
“Theft And Robbery” By Andy Tover
“Theft Among Arthropods” By The Lieutenants
“The World’s Last Days” By D. N. Izneer
“The World’s Deadliest Joke” By Theophilus Punoval
“The World’s Best Recipes” By Gus Tatorial
“The Works Of Leo Tolstoy” By Warren Peace
“The Wit And Wisdom Of Chico Marx” By Y. A. Duck
“The White Flag” By O. I. Givupp
“The White Cliffs” By Eileen Dover
“The Water Diviner” By Hazel Fork
“The Volunteer’s Guidebook” By Linda Hand
“The Void” By M. T. Ness
“The Visitor” By Enoch Zatador
“The Vietnam Conflict” By Warren A. Shaw
“The Urinalysis” By P. P. Inacupp
“The Ups And Downs Of Penis Therapy” By John Wayne Bobbitt
“The Unknown Rodent” By A. Nonny Mouse
“The Unknown Author” By Ann Onymous
“The Unexpected” By Oliver Sudden
“The Twelfth Month” By Dee Sember
“The TV News Anchorman” By Maury Ports
“The Tudor Banquet” By Henrietta Knox
"The Truancy Problem By Marcus Absent
“The Trojan War” By Helena Troy
“The Tin Can Cookbook” By Billie Gote
“The Tightrope Walker” By Betty Falls
“The Terminator” By L. B. Back
“The Telltale Heart” By Stefi Scope
“The Sword In History” By Ray Pierre
“The Sweat Shop” By Hiram Cheap
“The Strip Joint” By C. R. Boddies
“The Stars Tell It All” By Horace Cope
“The Squeaking Gate” By Rusty Hinges
“The Spiritual Life” By Ned Itation
“The Solitary Beast” By Annie Malone
“The Solar System” By P. Lanets & Son
“The Smorgasbord” By Buffy Dinner
“The Sixty Ninth Romance” By E.R. French
“The Singer” By Barry Tone
“The Shrinking Society” By Les Ismoor
“The Sex Maniacs Guide” By Rippernickerszov
“The Sex Mad Russian” By Ivantor Titsoff
“The Senior Prom” By Spike Drink
“The Senator” By D. C. Resident
“The Self-Made Man” By Peter Long
“The Scent Of A Man” By Jim Nasium
“The Sayings Of Homer Simpson” By Y. U. Liddle
“The Russian With Three Testicles” By Ooja Nikabolokov
“The Russian Circumcision” By Al Kutchakokoff
“The Ruptured Japanese” By Hung Low
“The Rooster’s Mistake” By Rhoda Duck
“The Role Of The Hit Man” By L. M. Innate
“The Rifle Range” By Bob Downe
“The Respiratory System” By Aaron Lungs
“The Race To The Outhouse” By Willie Makeit
Edited By Betty Wont
“The Punny Book Title Collection 8-)” By R. D. Harhar
“The Pullman Sleeper” By Bertha Buv
"The Protruding Pajama Leg By Lotta Dicks
“The Porn Queen” By Mona Lott
“The Pony Club Show” By Jim Carner
“The Poker Player” By Delia Cards
“The Phillipine Post Office” By Imelda Letter
“The Perils Of Drug Addiction” By Anita Fixx
“The People Of Mensa” By Gene Yuss
“The Peeping Tom” By C. K. Undress
“The Peace Mission” By Olive Branch
“The Paper Route” By Avery Daye
“The Palace Roof has a Hole” By Lee King
“The Paint Ingredient” By Linsey Doyle
“The Optician’s Guide” By Seymour Clearly
“The Open Window” By Eileen Doubt
“The Open Kimono” By I. C. Hair
“The Old Fashioned Way” By Ilene Back

“The Old Codger” By A. T. Yearsold
“The Nomadic Cowboy” By I. “Moo” Vaughn
“The ‘New Math’ Simplified” By Juan Thieu Thierry
“The Nerd” By C. S. Major
“The Nazi War Machine” By Zeeguh Hill
“The Naughty Farm Boy” By Enid Spankin
“The National Science Foundation” By Grant Money
“The Myth Of The Mafia” By I. L. Killya
“The Musical World Of Walt Disney” By M. O. Yewessee
“The Music Of Sammy Davis Jr.” By Candy Mann
“The Monkey Cage” By Jim Panzee
“The Miracle Drug” By Penny Cillin
“The Mighty Oak” By A. Korn
“The Man On The Ledge” By Willy Jump
“The Long Hot Summer” By I. Scream
“The Lonely Lady” By Herman Lefter
“The Liquid Diet” By I.P. Freely
“The Lion-Tamer” By Claud Face
“The Lion Attacked” By Claudia Armoff
“The Last Roundup” By Brandon Irons
“The Last Frontier” By L. S. Kah
“The Largest Bra In The World” By Norma Stitz
“The Lady Pirate” By Peg Legg
“The LA Lakers’ Breakfast” By Kareem O’Wheat
“The Joys Of Playing An Instrument” By Clara Nett
“The Japanese Way Of Death” By Harri Kari
“The Irish Heart Surgeon” By Angie O’Plasty
“The Insomniac” By Eliza Wake
“The Industrial Revolution” By Otto Mattick
“The Incompetent Bullfighter” By Gordon Bloody
“The Ideal Husband” By John Henry Everhard
“The Human Brain” By Sarah Bellum
“The Housing Problem” By Rufus Quick
“The Hoosier State” By N. D. Anna
“The Hitchhiker” By Juan Nalift
“The History Of The Mini Skirt” By Seymour Legg
“The History Of Rock And Roll” By Tristan Shout
“The History Of Exxon” By Phil Errup
“The Hidden Surprise” By Pam Perz
“The Ham Radio Primer” By Loudon Clear
“The Greatest Pleasure” By X. T. See
“The Great Rubber Failure” By Iva Child
“The Great Flood” By Noah Zark
“The Great Fabrication” By Paul E. Ester
“The Great Escape” By Freida Convict
“The Greasy Spoon” By Chris Coe
“The Grass Is Always Greener” By N. V. Uss
“The Good Employee” By O. K. Boss
“The Good Breakfast” By Hammond Deggs
“The German’s Favorite Spot” By Herr Bottom
“The German Bank Robbery” By Hans Zupp
“The Gardener” By Moses Lawn
“The Garden State” By Ida Hoe
“The Gangsters” By Robin Steele
“The Future” by Chris Tobalz
“The Future Of Robotics” By Cy Borg And Anne Droid
“The Funeral” By Paul Bearer
“The Frozen South” By A. Winterbottom
“The Friendly Bartender” By Juana Beer
“The French Chef” by Sue Flay
“The Fortuneteller” By Reid Palms
“The Flip Dizzy Hawaiian” By Lacka Nookie
“The Female Ghost” By Sheila Peer
“The Farmer’s Wife” By Mike Howe
“The Fall Of A Watermelon” By S. Platt
“The Excursion” By Sally Forth
“The Excitement Of Trees” By I. M. Board
“The Evils Of Masturbation” By Ibin Yackinoff
“The Escape Of Bonnie Prince Charlie” By Scot Free
“The Errant Sledgehammer” By O. G. Datturts
“The English Rupture” By Lord Howard Hurtz
“The End That Justifies The Means” By C. Y. Eyedidit
“The End Of The Week” By Gladys Friday
“The Empty Cookie Jar” By Arthur Anymore
“The Empath” By Ophelia Sadness
“The Effects of Alcohol” By Sir Osis of Liver
“The Economy Is Recovering!” By Knott Quite
“The Easy Lay” By Carmen Gettit
“The Earthquake” By Major Diaster
“The Drawing Lesson” By Art Master
“The Drawbacks Of Strong Drink” By D. T. Sufferer
“The Dog Track” By C. M. Run
“The Disco Craze” By B. G. Singers
“The Disappointed Old Maid” By Dickie Small
“The Diamond Robbery” By Jules Argon
“The Decline Of Civilization” By Helena Handcart
“The Debtor” By Owen Munny
“The Dead Of Winter” By Jan Yuary
“The Day All Heck Broke Loose” By K. T. Bardedoor
“The Criminals Of Watergate” By Barton Mee
“The Credit Card” By Wright N. Bills
“The Constipated Chinaman” By Hung Chow
“The Consequences Of Trick Or Treating” By Tommy Ayk
“The Comprehensive Guide to Orchestral Music” by Phil Harmonic
illustrated by Polly Phonic.
“The Complete Book Of Lasgana” By Aieda
“The Commuter” By Jocelyn Train
“The Coffee Maker” By French Press
“The Coast Is Clear” By C. N. Eebuddy
“The Classic Monastery Painters” By Art Monk
“The Chuck Berry Story” By Judy Frudy
“The Christmas Spirit” By Joy X. Noel
“The Chinese Rupture” By Wang Hang Lo
“The Chinese Population Explosion” By Wee Fukum Jung
“The Chinaman With One Testicle” by Wot Went Wong
“The Cavalryman” By Rhoda Norse
“The Cannibal’s Daughter” By Henrietta Mann
“The Candy Store” By Pepper Mintz
“The Calypso Band” By Lydia Dustbin
“The Burglar” By Robin Banks
“The Bullfighter” By Matt Adore
“The Building” By Eddy Fiss
“The Broken Window” By Eva Brick
“The Broken Strap” By Won Hung Lo
“The Bride’s First Night” By Peter B. Kyne
“The Bouncing Bullet” By Rick O’Shay
“The Bog” By Pete Maas
“The Blessing” By Benny Dixon
“The Bird Collection” By Arnie Thologie
“The Big Wave” By Sue Nami
“The Big Snitch” By Ima Telling
“The Big Parade” By Marsha Long
“The Big Cigar” By Smokey Stogie
“The Best Of Elmer Fudd” By U. U. Wabbit
“The Bedpan Patrol” By B. M. Routine
“The Beach Bully” By Harry Ayp
“The Barber Of Seville” By Ray Zerr
“The Auto Salvage Business” By Rex Toad
“The Art Of Sincerity” By Ernest Lee
“The Art Of Shoplifting” By Phil Mypockets
“The Art Of Secret Dating” By Rhonda Voo
“The Art of Jumping off Bridges” by Sue Icide
“The Art Of Falling In Love” by Q. Pidd
“The Arctic Ocean” By I. C. Waters
“The Anxious Moment” By R.U. Cummin
“The Angry Man” By T. Doff
“The American Legal System” By Sue Someone
“The Adventures Of Win.Ini The Pooh” By W. Gates
“The Accused” By Watts E. Dunn
“That’s Life” By Cilla Vee
“That’s A Ten-Four, Good Buddy” By C. B. Radio
“That Was Quick!” By Wendy Dothat
“That Nagging Cough” By T. B. Carrier
“That Can’t Be Right” By Shirley Nott
“Texas Sidewinder” By I. P. Crooked
“Ten Pins” By Mr. Strike
“Temper The Wind” By Sean Lamb
“Telltale Heart” By Stefi Scope
“Teenagers Of The '50’s” By Bobbie Sox
“Teen Mother” By Pasteur Period
“Tear Up Those Betting Slips” By Lou Zerr
“Teaching Boys To Change Tires” By Theresa Jackson
“Teach Me!” By I. Wanda Know
“Tea For Two” By Roland Butta
“Tape Another Channel” By David E. O. Recorder
“Talkative Japanese” By Terry Yaki
“Talk Is Cheap” By U. N. Envoy
“Taking A Long Vacation” By Helen Back
“Take This Job And Shove It” By Ike Witt
“Take Stock” By Russel Steers
“Take a Break!” By Colin Sick
“Tailoring” By Serge Soote
“Swimming In The Channel” By Frances Near
“Swimming In The Arctic” By I. C. Waters.
“Swedish Perfumeries” By Ole Factory
“Sweat Shop” By Hiram Cheap
“Surprised!” By Omar Gosh
“Superman’s Vision” By C. X. Rayz
“Sunrise” by Don Pat Rolle
“Sunday Service” By Neil Downe
“Summer In The South” By A. Z. Hot-Humid
“Suicide Jump” By Hugo First
“Succeeding In Business” By Mari “The Boss” Dawter
“Stunned Over Christmas” By Holly Daze
“Strong Winds” By Gail Force
“String Instruments” By Viola Player
“Streaking” By Running Bear
“Strange Trails In The Sand” By Peter Dragon
“Stranded On A Motorway” By Buster Tyre
“Stories In The Future” By S. F. Writer
“Stop Arguing” By Xavier Breath
“Stomach Cramps” By Henrietta Greenapple
“Still Looking For My Heart” By Sam Francisco
“Starting A Used Auto Parts Business” by Rex Galore
“Star Spangled Barrio” By Jose Canusee
“Springtime” By Teresa Greene
“Spring” By April N. May
“Spots On The Wall” By Hoo Flung Dung
“Spoil The Child” By Molly Coddle
“Split Personalities” By Jacqueline Hyde
“Spies Like Us” By S. P. O’Nage
“Spanish Rupture” By Torres Balzoff
“Soviet Weapons” By Ay Kay Xlvii
“Soviet Venereal Disease” By Itl Rotchakokoff
“Southern California Waffles” By Sandy Eggo
“Southern California Pachyderms” By L. A. Funt
“Sound As A Bell” By A. Clanger
“Sorry, You’re Not My Type” By R. H. Factor
“Sorry!” By Anna Poloji
“Songs From ‘South Pacific’” By Sam And Janet Evening
“Songs For Children” By Barbara Blacksheep
“Some Like it Sweet” By Sugar Kane
“Some Like It Hot” By Red Pepper
“Solving Crimes” By D. Tective
“Sofa so Good” By Chester Field
“Soda Pop History” By Ginger Aile
“Social Insecurity” By Wilma Moneylast
“Soak Your Ex-Husband” By Ali Money
“So You Want To Be A Farmer” by E.I. Ohhe
“Snow Bound” by Ava Lanche
“Snorting My Way To Heaven” By Angel Dust
“Snakes Of The World” By Anna Conda
“Smorgasbord” By Buffy Dinner
“Smoker’s Cough” By Nick O’Teen
“Smell Of The Long Distance Runner” By Jim Shorts (Sequal)
“Smash His Lobster!” By Buster Crabbe
“Smart Beer Making” By Bud Wiser
“Small Vegetables” By Russell Sprout
“Slowly Fades” By Peter Out
“Slip-Slidin’ Away” By K. Y. Jellee
“Slimming” By Lena Boddy
“Slang From The Roaring Twenties” By O. U. Kidd
“Skunks in the Shrubbery” By P. Yew
“Sitting Is For Lazy People” By Stan Dupp
“Singing Without An Orchestra” By A. K. Pella
“Singing In The Rain” By Ivor Macintosh
“Singin’ And Shakin’” By Oprah Tic Tenor
“Simple Mathematics” By Algy Brarr
“Simple Arithmetic” By Matthew Candu
“Silly Rabbit” By Trixie R. Forkids
“Shoes For Farm And Ranch” By Claude Hopper
“Ships Of The Navy” By P. T. Bote
“Ships In Harbor” By Dr. Longside
“Ship Mysteries” By Marie Celeste
“Shhh!” By Danielle Soloud
“Sharing Indian Beverages” By T. Fatto
“Shaky Knees” By Cliff Diver
“Sexual Education” By Peter Goesinya
“Senior Prom” By Spike Drink
“Selling Autos” by Carlotta Deels
“Self-Made Man” By Peter Long
“Self Denial Made Easy” By Abner Gation
“See You In Phoenix!” By R. E. Zona
“Secrets” By Isadore Shutt
“Secrets Of The KKK” By Dewey, Lynch & Howe.
“Secrets Of Dermatology” By X. Z. Mahh
“Seated Under The Bleachers” By Seymore Sox
“Season Tickets” By Oprah Maven
“Sea Birds” By Al Batross
"Sculpting The Gods Of Greece And Rome By Jove
“Scuffed Floors” By Mark Tupp
“Screams In The Night” By Claude Balls
“Scrambled Eggs” By Humpty Dumpty
“Scottish Kilt Patterns” By Glen Pladd
“Scots In The Desert” By Lorna Dune
“Science Fiction Stories” By E. T. Fonehome
“School Reader” By C. Dick & Jane Run
“Schmaltz” By Maude Len
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“Salad Dressings” By Myra Culwhip
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“Sadistic Sex” By Nora Bone
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“Rustle In The Bushes” By Izzie Honor
“Russian’s Revenge” By Hoyoudon Kutchercockoff
“Russian Tennis Shoes” By Ivan Odor
“Russian Lover” By Nibblar Titsov
“Russian Castration” By I. Bitchyakokoff
“Ruptured Chinaman” By Wun Hung Lo
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“Runaways” by Miss Inga Pearl Sohn
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“Rules For Living” By Sharon Sharalike
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“Round The Mountain” By Sheila B. Cummin
“Rooster’s Mistake” By Rhoda Duck
“Rollercoasters” by John T. Ride
“Roger Wilco” By A. O. Kaye
“Rodent In The House!” By E. K. Mouse
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“Rock Music Of The 60’s” By C. C. Rider
“Robots” By Anne Droid
“Robotics Handbook” By A. I. Expert
“Road Transport” By Laurie Driver
“Rip In The Matress” By Mr. Completely
“Ringing Wet” By Belinda Water
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"Revenge of the Jungle Tiger By Claude Balls
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“Reminiscence” By Ira Member
“Religion” By Abel Lever
“Red Vegetables * Volume 2” By B. Troot
“Red Vegetables * Volume 1” By Tom A. Toe
“Red In The Face” By U. V. Index
“Reconstructive Breast Surgery” By Dr. Syl I. Cohen, MD
“Recipes Of The Frontier” By Chuck Wagon
“Recipes for Hot Salsa” by Hal Apeno
“Ready…Set…” By Sadie Word
“Rash Decisions I Have Made” By X. M. Ah
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel!” By Harris Long
"Rape In The Gas Station By Who Pumped Ethyl
“Rangers In The Night” By Forrest Fyar
“Raising Flowers By Hand” By Flo Wrist
“Racketeering” By Dennis Court
“Quoting Hamlet” By Maureen Soroth, Annie Nanga
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“Quick And Hot” By T. V. Dinner
“Questions From an Italian Taylor” by Euripides
“Put’er There, Pal!” By Greg Garious
“Put Some Fizz Back In Your Life” By F. R. Vessant
“Punk Rock Rulez!” By Lotta Noyze
“Punctuation” By Graham Matt Ekall
“Pull Yourself Together!” By Annette Curtain
“Pull With All You’ve Got!” By Eve Ho
“Publishing” By Maggie Zeene
“Psyche Of A Voyeur” By I. C. Hue
“Proof Positive!” By Q. E. Dee
“Programming Styles” By Dee Bugit,
Edited By Stil Mohrbugs
“Programming in C++” by I.O. Stream
“Professional Boxing” By I. C. Stars
“Proctology Made Easy” By N.D. Rhear
“Principles Of Criminal Justice” By Lauren Order
“Primitive Transport” By Orson Cart
“Prevent Drowning” By Buddy System
“Pretty Baby” By A.Dora Bull
“Pressure Relief” By Korsetsov
“Preparing Leather” By Tanya Hyde
“Preparing For Your Speling Be” By Dan Quail
“Prepare To Meet Your Maker” By Eva DeStruction
“Prehistoric Reptiles” By Dinah Soar And Terry Dactyl
“Prehistoric Finds” By B. C. Calendar
“Preaching To Hell’s Angels” By Pastor Redlight
“Prayers For Children” By Cindy Skool
“Practical Proctology” By Bea Hind
“Powerful Drinks” By Micky Finn
“Post-Script” By Adeline Extra
“Positive Reinforcement” By Wade Ago
“Popping The Big One”


#19

I am not going to quote that last one…

I still see you.


#20

The Big Brown Bear Joke

A big brown bear walks into a beefsteak bar and says to the barman, “Barman, bring me a beer.”

The barman says, “I’m sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don’t bring beer to big brown bears.”

So the bear goes, “Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!” and belches broadly.

The barman says, “I’m sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don’t bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don’t bring beer to bears who belch broadly.”

So the bear goes, “Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!” and starts behaving badly.

The barman says, “I’m sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don’t bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don’t bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don’t bring beer to bears who behave badly.”

So the bear goes, “Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!” and badmouths the barman.

The barman says, “I’m sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don’t bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don’t bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don’t bring beer to bears who behave badly, and we refuse to bring beer to bears who badmouth the barman.”

So the bear goes, “Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!” and breaks a beaker.

The barman says, “I’m sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don’t bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don’t bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don’t bring beer to bears who behave badly, and we refuse to bring beer to bears who badmouth the barman, and we never bring beer to bears who break beakers.”

So the bear goes, “Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!” and takes a bite out of the bar.

The barman says, “I’m sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don’t bring beer to big brown bears, and we certainly don’t bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don’t bring beer to bears who behave badly, and we refuse to bring beer to bears who badmouth the barman, and we never bring beer to bears who break beakers, and under no circumstances will we bring beer to bears who take drugs.”

“Eh?” says the bear, somewhat surprised. “I don’t take drugs.”

“Really?” says the barman. “What about that bar bit you ate?”