My Ebullient Shirt

I love Woot, don’t get me wrong. I mean, I love it like a brother. Not like… You know.

But this whole midnight thing is just not working out. Late at night, I’m having a great time and buying is on my mind, it’s only in the harsh light of day that those shiny new purchases start to loose their glow.

Here’s what happened: I saw a sweet ass skull shirt, so I bought it. But as the weeks passed and my shirt finally reached my doorstep, something was different than it had been with my other Woot buys.

From the second I took my shirt out of the packaging, I knew. This shirt was a flaming homosexual.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that! I mean, I respect all kinds. And anyway, I’m pretty sure the new guy in my office is one and we get along just fine (I could be wrong, though- I try to avoid eye contact because I don’t want to lead him on). So, homosexual shirts are fine by me, because I’m an open-minded guy. I just don’t want them near me, or rubbing up on my other shirts (some of my other shirts are kind of phallic, so I doubt it could control itself).

So Woot, I don’t know if there was some kind of mixup at the factory or what, like maybe my gay shirt is actually a girl shirt and just got tagged wrong. Or maybe something happened during all those weeks SmartPost had it (I’m not pointing fingers, but it was in California for a while and you know how those people are).

But basically, I just think Woot needs to be held accountable. If you’re going to sell homosexual shirts, make it clear in the item description or something! A lot of us are buying shirts late at night, and in dim lighting it is really hard to tell. I can’t even put this gay shirt in my shirt drawer, man- it’s just in the bag right now while I figure out what to do.

Please Woot, consider putting items for sale at noon instead of midnight. It will prevent other dudes like me from accidentally buying gay shirts.

I hear theres this retreatin south carolina staffed by the baptists that will cure your shirt of its unnatural affections, and drive out the devil thats possessing it,or some such as that. I’m not sure if they take shirts of all colors, however… i mean… lemon shirts… theres no cure for that…

James, I could truly be missing something here, but this reminds of some of my purchases on vacation. You are away from home and work,and everyone you see is either wearing ________ (Fill in name of object that is THE Thing to wear in this location),or talking about where to get _____________ or trying to sell you multiple _____________s for yourself and everyone you have ever met in your life. At this point, you need to have a good conversation with yourself or someone you can trust and ask yourself, “Once I am away from here, will this have any meaning? Will I have a place to wear this? Should I spend this much money on something I may only get to wear on Halloween?”

After I learned this, I stopped spending lots of money on trinkets, hats and clothes that have no place in my life. (And I have more money for woot!)

It sounds like your shirt was something that should never have left Carrollton. The only place it had meaning was on the woot sales page and/or the forums, and maybe the derby as well. And while I feel for you, I think you need to take your shirt with non-compatible tendencies and give it to a charity. It will probably go very well with a clunky necklace that I will never wear, and maybe they will meet and live gaily and happily ever after.

Another option is to try to trade it on the Random Shirt Trade Center thread: