You Started It...

This is going to be the beginning of a beautiful…no that’s the end of one…call me Ish…nope that’s been done…there once was a man from Nantu…oops!

I’ve got it:

Once upon a crime, in a land far, far away (called Kentucky), there lived a girl who didn’t quite get her life together. This was unfortunate, you see, because this led to the events that will unfold in this thread. It all started with…

A trip to the dentist.

(oh, you had to go there, my biggest fear, okay)

Her alarm went off at 6:00 am sharp. This would give her plenty of time to pick up what she would need in order to “do what HAD to be done”. The first, and most crucial, thing on her list was…

… petroleum jelly, and a turkey baster.


gee wiz gwp, let ky4ensicgirl settle in first!
besides PG13! (but they really mean G most of the time, since 13 year old kid are pretty savvy now)

handcuffs and a cane.


See post above you

For the uses of petroleum jelly amongst the truly evil are limitless, as you well know, and her dentist would all too soon come to realize. And…well, her “turkey” was dry…and you never know when…oops different genre. As she scanned the aisles reminiscing of the days when duct tape was just something you used to…

a taser and tweezers.

Have you been in my glove compartment?

Is that a euphemism?

If it was, it would explain why I keep having to buy new tweezers…and why my love life is so…wait for it…shockingly mundane! That was so corny I may have to report myself! But I’m sick with the flu so you have to allow me some editorial slack!

a female radio personality here rear-ended a car when she was plucking her eyebrows while driving.

//shakes head

Please tell me you didn’t make that up and that my loss of bladder control is completely understandable! And they think bb guns are dangerous! She was clearly driving while mentally impaired (of course she was probably born that way) but…you know they let pretty much anyone drive here too!

Oh it’s quite true. She talked about it on air. Then all the ladies at that station started talking about how they do it all the time.

I watched a women put on mascara in a moving car.
How many eyes and hands do you actually need in traffic?

I’m gonna have to say both eyes…and at least one finger. To point with that is, I don’t want to be rude, or get shot! (did you buy that or am I going to have to peddle my b.s. elsewhere?)