Have you ever wondered?


#1
  1. Should Vegetarians eat animal crackers?

  2. Why do doctors call what they do practice?

  3. If a funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?

  4. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

  5. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

  7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

  8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

  9. What happens when a firefly & a waterbug have sex?

  10. Do gay people cry?

  11. Why is a hamburger made with beef?

  12. Does wind blowing south suck from the north?

  13. What is the speed of dark?

  14. Do blind people fall in love at first feel?

  15. Why is it called MENstruation?

  16. Do illiterate people ever eat alphabet soup?

  17. What was the best thing before sliced bread ?

  18. If you expect the unexpected, wouldn’t the unexpected be expected?

  19. Do pigs like bacon?

  20. Who’s idea was it to put an “S” in the word “LISP”?

  21. Why is it called a missile if it was made to hit things?

  22. Why does round pizza come in a square box?

  23. When sheep get wet, why don’t they shrink ?

  24. Does water float?

  25. If “X” marks the spot…how come women have a “G” spot?

  26. When a monkey farts, does it smell like bananas?

  27. Why do they call it a building if its already built?

  28. If I’m not a hypochondriac but think I am, does that make me a hypochondriac ?

  29. Where does the white go when snow melts?

  30. If A tree falls when no one’s around, do the other trees make fun of it?

  31. If your eyes are round, why can you see out of the corners of them?

  32. Who took the bite out of the apple computer logo?

  33. Does a one legged duck swim in circles?

  34. If someone is sent to prison they become a prisoner, but does someone sent to jail become a jailor?

  35. Why do black tires produce white smoke ?

  36. What is a male ladybug called?

  37. Why is abbreviation such a long word ?

  38. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  39. What color does a smurf turn when you choke it?

  40. Why do teachers need answer books?

  41. Where else can you use something that says “indoor/outdoor use only”?

  42. Why isn’t phonetic spelt the way it sounds?

  43. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to nwork in the mornings?

  44. If you’re in a car travelling at the speed of light, what happens if you turn on the headlights?

  45. If “practice makes perfect” and “nobody is perfect”, why bother practicing?

  46. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

  47. What’s another word for synonym?

  48. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

  49. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  50. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

  51. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

  52. Did Adam and Eve have navels?


#2
  1. Should Vegetarians eat animal crackers?

[color=blue]Only if they’re made out of spinach.[/color]

  1. Why do doctors call what they do practice?

[color=blue]Have you ever been to the doctor? Has he ever seemed clueless?[/color]

  1. If a funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?

[color=blue]Yes, that way you too can increase your chances of being the star at the next funeral.[/color]

  1. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

[color=blue]Around here, a turlte without a shell is lunch.[/color]

  1. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

[color=blue]No, it’s cause for a movie and book deal.[/color]

  1. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

[color=blue]No, because they’re not going to make the signs without words in the first place.[/color]

  1. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

[color=blue]No, you’re supposed to eat that one.[/color]

  1. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

[color=blue]Nope, it’s called an ant.[/color]

  1. What happens when a firefly & a waterbug have sex?

[color=blue]Never happen, tests have shown that relationships between those two bugs tend to fizzle out.[/color]

  1. Do gay people cry?

[color=blue]Only when they’re tears of joy.[/color]

  1. Why is a hamburger made with beef?

[color=blue]Becuase if it were made with pork, it’d be called a steakburger.[/color]

  1. Does wind blowing south suck from the north?

[color=blue]That just depends on which way you’re facing.[/color]

  1. What is the speed of dark?

[color=blue]Too fast if you’re nine years old and your curfew is “Be home when it gets dark”.[/color]

  1. Do blind people fall in love at first feel?

[color=blue]No, they base it on smell.[/color]

  1. Why is it called MENstruation?

[color=blue]Because it’s always the man’s fault.[/color]

  1. Do illiterate people ever eat alphabet soup?

[color=blue]Yes, but they don’t know what they’re eating.[/color]

  1. What was the best thing before sliced bread ?

[color=blue]Bread[/color]

  1. If you expect the unexpected, wouldn’t the unexpected be expected?

[color=blue]Only if you’re not the type to be surprised by surprises.[/color]

  1. Do pigs like bacon?

[color=blue]Yes, very crispy.[/color]

  1. Who’s idea was it to put an “S” in the word “LISP”?

[color=blue]The man who invented the word had a sthpeech impediment.[/color]

  1. Why is it called a missile if it was made to hit things?

[color=blue]Because, rocket powered, pointy thing that blows sh!t up took too long to say.[/color]

  1. Why does round pizza come in a square box?

[color=blue]So that it has a chance to roll around and get to you as a jumbled mess because the driver is some young kid that doesn’t care how he gets it to you.[/color]

  1. When sheep get wet, why don’t they shrink ?

[color=blue]Because they only go out when the rain is cold, and then they air dry.[/color]

  1. Does water float?

[color=blue]No, but ice cream does.[/color]

  1. If “X” marks the spot…how come women have a “G” spot?

[color=blue]It’s short for "Gee, is this guy ever gonna get it right?[/color]

  1. When a monkey farts, does it smell like bananas?

[color=blue]It sure does.[/color]

  1. Why do they call it a building if its already built?

[color=blue]Because the person in charge is never done changing things that don’t need changing in it.[/color]

  1. If I’m not a hypochondriac but think I am, does that make me a hypochondriac ?

[color=blue]No, it means your sick, probably dying even, go see a doctor.[/color]

  1. Where does the white go when snow melts?

[color=blue]On vacation to the Carribean.[/color]

  1. If A tree falls when no one’s around, do the other trees make fun of it?

[color=blue]No, they tell it to leaf the forest.[/color]

  1. If your eyes are round, why can you see out of the corners of them?

[color=blue]You really can’t, it’s an old wive’s tale.[/color]

  1. Who took the bite out of the apple computer logo?

[color=blue]Microsoft[/color]

  1. Does a one legged duck swim in circles?

[color=blue]Don’t know, but a duck with no legs is deaf because it won’t come to you no matter what you call it.[/color]

  1. If someone is sent to prison they become a prisoner, but does someone sent to jail become a jailor?

[color=blue]No, they become somebody’s beyatch .[/color]

  1. Why do black tires produce white smoke ?

[color=blue]Because black smoke is only a myth, put out by the man to confuse you.[/color]

  1. What is a male ladybug called?

[color=blue]You can call it anything you want, as long as it’s not bigger than you.[/color]

  1. Why is abbreviation such a long word ?

[color=blue]It’s not as long as Supercalifragilisticexpealidoucious.[/color]

  1. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

[color=blue]You become a zombie. Mmmm, brains.[/color]

  1. What color does a smurf turn when you choke it?

[color=blue]Orange.[/color]

  1. Why do teachers need answer books?

[color=blue]Because kids asked the darndest questions.[/color]

  1. Where else can you use something that says “indoor/outdoor use only”?

[color=blue]That’s it. That means don’t take it to outer space if you’re an astronaut, bad things will happen.[/color]

  1. Why isn’t phonetic spelt the way it sounds?

[color=blue]Spelling it “fo net tik” will get you laughed at.[/color]

  1. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to nwork in the mornings?

[color=blue]He tells his wife to shovel the path to his snowplow.[/color]

  1. If you’re in a car travelling at the speed of light, what happens if you turn on the headlights?

[color=blue]It’s a time warp.[/color]

  1. If “practice makes perfect” and “nobody is perfect”, why bother practicing?

[color=blue]So you can grow up and be a doctor.[/color]

  1. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

[color=blue]Monkey’s don’t have bolts, so that must mean you use it on the nuts.[/color]

  1. What’s another word for synonym?

[color=blue]Sameword[/color]

  1. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

[color=blue]Why do you ask so many questions?[/color]

  1. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[color=blue]The glue on the sides of the bottle sticks to the glue in the center of the bottle.[/color]

  1. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

[color=blue]Not sure, I’ve never eaten cat food to know if there’s a comparison.[/color]

  1. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

[color=blue]My cats seem to think so.[/color]

  1. Did Adam and Eve have navels?

[color=blue]No, they were out of season, but they did have Valencia’s.[/color]


#3

I’ll only answer one, because czardastx did such a good job on all the others.

Well, aside from not ever being able to travel the speed of light (regardless of technology, it is quite impossible to do so. The faster you go, even in a vacuum, the more energy it takes to go faster), it would happen like so. You would see the headlights extend in front of you at the speed of light (because that’s constant, in all reference frames), but they would never reach anything, because due to the space dialations, everything would be infinitely far away. However, a “stationary” observer would see that your headlights were not on, because as mentioned before, it would take an infinite amount of time to reach anything. Don’t you just love relativity?


#4

That’s supposed to be the dent from bouncing off Newton’s head.

Really. I’m actually not making this up.


#5

all those good questions and one typo
what a shame

Q. 43…nwork?

very funny though


#6

#7
  1. Should Vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Only if they’re made out of spinach.

  1. Why do doctors call what they do practice?

Have you ever been to the doctor? Has he ever seemed clueless?

  1. If a funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?

Yes, that way you too can increase your chances of being the star at the next funeral.

  1. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Around here, a turlte without a shell is lunch.

  1. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

No, it’s cause for a movie and book deal.

  1. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

No, because they’re not going to make the signs without words in the first place.

  1. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

No, you’re supposed to eat that one.

  1. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Nope, it’s called an ant.

  1. What happens when a firefly & a waterbug have sex?

Never happen, tests have shown that relationships between those two bugs tend to fizzle out.

  1. Do gay people cry?

Only when they’re tears of joy.

  1. Why is a hamburger made with beef?

Becuase if it were made with pork, it’d be called a steakburger.

  1. Does wind blowing south suck from the north?

That just depends on which way you’re facing.

  1. What is the speed of dark?

Too fast if you’re nine years old and your curfew is “Be home when it gets dark”.

  1. Do blind people fall in love at first feel?

No, they base it on smell.

  1. Why is it called MENstruation?

Because it’s always the man’s fault.

  1. Do illiterate people ever eat alphabet soup?

Yes, but they don’t know what they’re eating.

  1. What was the best thing before sliced bread ?

Bread

  1. If you expect the unexpected, wouldn’t the unexpected be expected?

Only if you’re not the type to be surprised by surprises.

  1. Do pigs like bacon?

Yes, very crispy.

  1. Who’s idea was it to put an “S” in the word “LISP”?

The man who invented the word had a sthpeech impediment.

  1. Why is it called a missile if it was made to hit things?

Because, rocket powered, pointy thing that blows sh!t up took too long to say.

  1. Why does round pizza come in a square box?

So that it has a chance to roll around and get to you as a jumbled mess because the driver is some young kid that doesn’t care how he gets it to you.

  1. When sheep get wet, why don’t they shrink ?

Because they only go out when the rain is cold, and then they air dry.

  1. Does water float?

No, but ice cream does.

  1. If “X” marks the spot…how come women have a “G” spot?

It’s short for "Gee, is this guy ever gonna get it right?

  1. When a monkey farts, does it smell like bananas?

It sure does.

  1. Why do they call it a building if its already built?

Because the person in charge is never done changing things that don’t need changing in it.

  1. If I’m not a hypochondriac but think I am, does that make me a hypochondriac ?

No, it means your sick, probably dying even, go see a doctor.

  1. Where does the white go when snow melts?

On vacation to the Carribean.

  1. If A tree falls when no one’s around, do the other trees make fun of it?

No, they tell it to leaf the forest.

  1. If your eyes are round, why can you see out of the corners of them?

You really can’t, it’s an old wive’s tale.

  1. Who took the bite out of the apple computer logo?

Microsoft

  1. Does a one legged duck swim in circles?

Don’t know, but a duck with no legs is deaf because it won’t come to you no matter what you call it.

  1. If someone is sent to prison they become a prisoner, but does someone sent to jail become a jailor?

No, they become somebody’s beyatch <sp>.

  1. Why do black tires produce white smoke ?

Because black smoke is only a myth, put out by the man to confuse you.

  1. What is a male ladybug called?

You can call it anything you want, as long as it’s not bigger than you.

  1. Why is abbreviation such a long word ?

It’s not as long as Supercalifragilisticexpealidoucious.

  1. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

You become a zombie. Mmmm, brains.

  1. What color does a smurf turn when you choke it?

Orange.

  1. Why do teachers need answer books?

Because kids asked the darndest questions.

  1. Where else can you use something that says “indoor/outdoor use only”?

That’s it. That means don’t take it to outer space if you’re an astronaut, bad things will happen.

  1. Why isn’t phonetic spelt the way it sounds?

Spelling it “fo net tik” will get you laughed at.

  1. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to nwork in the mornings?

He tells his wife to shovel the path to his snowplow.

  1. If you’re in a car travelling at the speed of light, what happens if you turn on the headlights?

It’s a time warp.

  1. If “practice makes perfect” and “nobody is perfect”, why bother practicing?

So you can grow up and be a doctor.

  1. What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?

Monkey’s don’t have bolts, so that must mean you use it on the nuts.

  1. What’s another word for synonym?

Sameword

  1. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do you ask so many questions?

  1. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

The glue on the sides of the bottle sticks to the glue in the center of the bottle.

  1. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Not sure, I’ve never eaten cat food to know if there’s a comparison.

  1. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?

My cats seem to think so.

  1. Did Adam and Eve have navels?

No, they were out of season, but they did have Valencia’s.


#8

I’ll only answer one, because czardastx did such a good job on all the others.

Well, aside from not ever being able to travel the speed of light (regardless of technology, it is quite impossible to do so. The faster you go, even in a vacuum, the more energy it takes to go faster), it would happen like so. You would see the headlights extend in front of you at the speed of light (because that’s constant, in all reference frames), but they would never reach anything, because due to the space dialations, everything would be infinitely far away. However, a “stationary” observer would see that your headlights were not on, because as mentioned before, it would take an infinite amount of time to reach anything. Don’t you just love relativity?


#9

That’s supposed to be the **dent ** from bouncing off Newton’s head.

Really. I’m actually not making this up.


#10

all those good questions and one typo
what a shame

Q. 43…nwork?

very funny though


#11