Overheard in the Office


#1

…or shopping mall, or gym, or truck stop parking lot. Wherever you spend your time, lotlizards.

I’d say that I hear something completely absurd here at work at least once a day. I’ve decided to start logging these nuggets, and I invite you to join, EBW. I’ve got three to get started:

  1. “Yeah! They lactate stardust!”

  2. “Well, maybe here, but I promise it’s not that uncommon in Sweden and Germany.”

  3. Co-worker A: “How do you know so damn much about ostriches?”
    Co-worker B: “Uh, hello?! I went to school!”


#2

“I need more steak in my life.”


#3

girl: “Do you know where my pen is?”

guy: “did you say you lost your penis?”

girl: “well that to, but I think I know where it is.”


#4

Somebody on the phone, presumably a personal call: “…Yeah, and some cole slaw…Cole…No, it’s never been ‘cold’ slaw…Yeah, I get that it’s cold…I know it’s served cold, but that’s not what the damn thing is called…No, no, I don’t know why ‘cole’…What the…G*d Dammit, I’m busy here!”


#5

Heard from two students while waiting outside for a lab to finish:

Girl- “and i was inside pulling hard, and he was outside trying to wedge it in”
Girl 2 “did it fit?”
Girl 1- “yeah, it finally popped in. But it scratched the inside bad and ripped some of the fabric once it got in there. My mom’s gonna kill me. Plus I think I hurt my fingers…”

…laterz… (the gap is to make the above more funny)

Girl 2- I’d never let my boyfriend try to put a file cabinet in my car, no way in heck…


#6

Also, out of the blue, some student’s ring tone is the hampster dance.

Nothing like hearing a long-dead meme on a brand new iPhone…


#7

“I came home and he’d lit my whole couch on fire.”


#8

Co-Worker A: “Leave it up to [Co-Worker B] to beat a dead horse! ‘Hey guys! A dead horse! Let’s beat it and beat it some more! And when we’re done, we’ll beat it!’”

Co-Worker B: “Hey, I don’t make fun of your pastimes.”


#9

“It’s like funkytown. All they do is talk about it, talk about it!”


#10

Today some students outside were laughing about some class they just got out of wherein the professor/instructor ripped one during his lecture, and tried to cover it up with a cough.


#11

Co-Worker on the phone with a customer: “Yo customer, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but the caller before you had the best question of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!”


#12

Was it you?


#13

Thankfully no. I don’t know who they were referring to… but I would have paid to know. Wonderful gossip possibilities.


#14

You couldn’t get them to tell you?


#15

He could offer every professor some cough drops and gasX and see who takes it.


#16

Overheard in the OVAL office

Warning- language. Word refers to a colloquialism of a donkey.


#17

Overhead in the dog run. A young girl on a school day.

Well, my eye got red and the teacher called my mom to take me home.
As soon as we got home, my eye wasn’t red anymore. So I get to spend the day here!


#18

This got me curious so I hit up Wikipedia:

teh moar u no!


#19

Yo Skek, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but the poster before you had the best quote of all time. OF ALL TIME!!!


#20

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom……and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, ……. but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be’.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
“This employee should go far, …… and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”