A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING
Talk about a huge breast!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
It’s Cool Whip time!
If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
Don’t play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!
How long do I beat it before it’s ready?
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
ha ha ha
Be sure to open them up.
Found via Google:
Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional holiday feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn’t mind going out to get it. When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey… then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Barbara, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!”
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically.
It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yes, my sister is a BLONDE.
You Might Be A Redneck If:
You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.
You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
Happy Thanksgiving from the Funny Farm!
… many thanks to this blog for posting these, i had a good laug
Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
The “Gravy Boat” your wife set out was a real 12’ boat!
You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.
Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
A guest quotes a Biblical passage from “The Feeding of the 5000.”
That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.
Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
Eh, some are pretty funny
Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house
No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,
For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;
I’m not gettin’ up and I’m not bakin’ bread.
No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce
Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.
When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter
I almost got up to see what was the matter.
As I drew in my head and was tossing around
To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He scared me to death and I thought, “Here he goes!”
He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt
And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.
So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw
I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.
“You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen
Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin.”
But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:
“I’m just plain too tired and we’re eating out!”
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of … Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin.
"And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;
"Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald’n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink,
“And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing”.
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap,
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said “Christmas is coming…”